Saturday, April 30, 2011
Yep, I panicked for a few moments yesterday. I knew it was coming for a couple of days now, but when I felt that familiar throbbing ache in my lower right side I knew that it had happened. I was about to pop out an egg. An egg that has the potential of being the baby that I long for.
Promptly, a debate commenced in my mind. Should we go for it this weekend? I mean, what if this is THE month? Could I possibly let this chance pass me by? My anxiety kicked in very soon after. Darting between the what if's and the maybes and the why not's.
But then I picked up the book I had been reading here and there for the past week. Origins: How the nine months before birth shape the rest of our lives by Annie Murphy Paul (Have any of you read it yet??). In the chapter entitled Three Months, the author speaks to experts about the effects of stress in utero on a baby later in it's life. Not everyday, normal stress (so, my preggo ladies don't panic). But PTSD kind of stress, life altering stress (the death of a loved one, a natural disaster, a major life event). I took a deep breath after reading a few pages of the chapter. I know the next 3 weeks are going to be crazy busy and stressful with the wedding coming up. Was this really how I wanted my baby to spend the first few weeks of it's life prenatally?
And quite easily the answer came to me. The answer was no. No it was not. I wanted to give this next baby the best possible chance that I could. The first 8 weeks of my last two pregnancies have been incredibly fragile for me. Heartbreakingly fragile.
Wedding stress + a weekend whitewater rafting trip immediately following the wedding. What if I didn't know I was pregnant by the time we went? What if the splashing and bumping of the rapids (a few Class V's, just so you know), dislodges my little baby and I don't even know it because it would happen around the time that I would usually start my period anyways? And then there is the stress just from worrying about all of the above. *sigh*
So, we are waiting. Just one more month. I lost Blueberry on January 31st. Though I am still healing and mourning (not as if that part ever really goes away), I am ready. Next month. :)