To most women who are trying to conceive, the home pregnancy test result above brings them feelings of joy, elation, confirmation that they can create life. To those of us who have suffered a miscarriage (or in my case, multiple miscarriages), this result brings about a different feeling. At first there is excitement and happiness- We are pregnant again and here is a new chance to start our family! Then that feeling is promptly followed by anxiety and worry- Will this baby stick or have I set myself up for another round of heartache and grief?
After testing 3 (yes, 3) Big Fat Negatives just 5 days before, I tested "Pregnant" this past Sunday morning. I was staying at my parents' house for the weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday and my cousin's baby shower, so my mom and my sister were the first to know. (And yes, I woke them up by flashing my pee-laden & capped pregnancy test in front of their faces! ;) ) Then I promptly took a pic of the test result (the one you see above, in fact) and texted it to my husband. My dad was the next to know, as I told him when we met him for lunch and I ordered a cheeseburger from our favorite hot dog joint. Dad: "What did you order a cheeseburger for?" Me: "Because it isn't recommended that pregnant ladies eat hot dogs. ;)" His response was to call me a Fertile Myrtle and given that I have been pregnant now 3 times in the last 16 months, I guess that is kind of true.
I am obviously not staying as hush-hush about this pregnancy as I did the last. I am also not going to be screaming it from the Facebook mountaintop anytime soon either. But I figure that what I did when I was pregnant with Blueberry didn't do us much good last time. Being superstitious (aka, not jinxing ourselves) and telling only a handful of people (which did not include my parents that time) didn't help. We still lost our baby.
So, I am trying to approach this pregnancy with a new outlook and a new game plan. People I love and care about will know. I feel that I need the prayers and positive thoughts from each of these people to help me carry this pregnancy to full term. How can anyone be rooting for our little Bean when no one knows that we are pregnant through the most treacherous part of the pregnancy for me?? The Bean and I need the love and strength that each and every one of you can provide.
Whether I allow myself to get excited or not, or I let my hopes get too high doesn't matter. If I lose Bean, the pain will be the same for me. I have to believe in the power of positive thinking and actions, and of prayer (and of a kick ass positive OB and the progesterone suppositories I will soon start ;) ) to get me through the next 8 weeks and then the next 8 months.
I have to believe that this baby will stick. As someone who has suffered major anxiety problems in the past, I have to keep my stress levels low. (And yes, easier said than done to be sure!) Mediatation, prayer, journaling, blogging and prenatal yoga will be my best friends through this pregnancy.
I have to believe that Bean will be in my arms in 8 short months, because what is the alternative?