Monday, August 29, 2011
The Doppler Diaries...
A few weeks ago I received my rented Doppler in the mail. For a mere $17 a month, I can now allow myself daily reassurance of this baby's existence and vitality. And just about every single day since I received my Doppler that is just what I have been doing- reassuring myself that the baby's heart is beating. No joke, it has been a Godsend. Without it, I am certain I would have already called my OB nurse by now desperately pleading for another ultrasound, for some reassurance. The Doppler seems to be taming the total spaz that my OB's office has got used to hearing from on the other line. Usually on a weekly basis.
At first using it was not easy... There are a lot of noises going on down there! Blood rushing here and there and those veins and arteries all have their own pulses. Even your ovaries have their own pulse! Is that me or is that baby?? Time to get the stopwatch out and count the pulse. Nope. Too low. That is MY pulse. *sigh* (I could have rented one of the fancier ones that gives you a digital read-out of the bpm, but that one was about $40 a month!)
Then I found it. And it was distinct. Much, much quicker than my own pulse. But I checked it against the stopwatch just to be sure. Yes, almost 150 bpm. That is the BABY'S pulse. :)
Now I feel like a pro. I know the baby's heartbeat as soon as I hear it. No guessing, no stopwatch now. Another bonus of the Doppler? I know exactly where the Bean is now. ;) She migrated from my left side all the way over to my right side, and now she is resting snugly right in the middle. She has really nudged herself back in there a bit now. Sometimes I have to press down with the probe to hear the heartbeat. Because of her new home within my womb, I don't feel as many flutters & bubbles now. The Doppler has helped me maintain my sense of sanity and calmness during this time.
But the biggest benefit of this Doppler I wasn't expecting when I clicked on the Complete Order button on the rental website. This $17 a month, piece of rented equipment has allowed me to something extraordinary- a closer bond with this baby. I had been struggling with allowing myself to deeply connect with Bean. The fear of losing her... It can make even the most dedicated mother build a wall that they don't really want built. But hearing my baby's heartbeat every day, knowing exactly where Bean is bebopping every single day and being able to place my hand on my belly exactly where she is.... It has brought that wall gently tumbling down.