The due date of my husband & I's first baby, Blueberry is quickly approaching. And I am struggling... Struggling with how to remember our baby that day. I feel like I should, we should do something. But none of the usual ways of remembering a lost baby feels right to me.
I have heard & seen people talk about releasing a balloon. I get the idea that the balloon will reach our baby who is above in heaven. But all I can picture is that balloon becoming deflated & sinking to a small pond where a fish decides to swallow it and then dies from ingesting it. Or it is snatched in mid flight by a bird who also decides that swallowing latex is a good idea and then proceeds to suffocate to death. All bad visions for me... and not how I want to honor my Blueberry. And I am not chastising any mother or father who has done this to remember their baby... These are just the thoughts that race into my mind when I think of releasing a balloon.
Many parents decide to plant a tree or a flowering bush or a garden in honor of their lost pregnancy. I understand that creating life through plants is a way of having a living reminder of your child. That somehow through this tree or garden a piece of the baby they lost is still there with them. But I have a deep fear that the tree or plant will die and then what does that mean? I will get to feel immense guilt and grief all over again?
I plan to make a donation to an organization that supports parents of pregnancy loss in honor of our baby. But that doesn't seem personal enough. I know it is greatly helpful and appreciated, but I need to do something that is deeply meaningful to me, to my husband, & to the baby we will never get to meet in this life.
So, what do I do? I can't figure out that one thing. That truly meaningful heartfelt thing that I need to do next week to remember the day when my baby should have been entering this world, and taking her first breath, her first cry out in this world... And it is breaking my heart. Shouldn't I know what to do? I am her mother. I should know what to do, right?