How ironic is it that the loss of my two sweet babies so early on has helped me become a better, more loving mother?
I took so much for granted before. I cringe to think of how much of my son's precious childhood I squandered while I was doing "life". I was young then. Naive. Ignorant to how quickly grief and heartache can find you. Not aware of how those priceless days of baby chub, and a head full of soft curls, and mommy snuggles would slip by me. Always thinking there will be another baby before too long, and I will get to enjoy all of that once more.
Then my first miscarriage happened. It ripped out my heart. But it was just one loss. Lots of women suffer the loss of a single pregnancy and then go on to have more babies with no complications, no worries, no more losses.
Then I got pregnant again almost exactly one year from the time of my first miscarriage. And I was terrified. I did not expect to feel that way. Every twinge I over analyzed. And then the spotting started. I already knew before it was confirmed. I spent that first night sobbing with my husband until 3am, already knowing what was about to happen. I was losing this baby too. My heart broke. Again.
Now the possibility that I may never have another baby became more of a reality to me. I grieved. For the babies that were with me just a few short, sweet moments and that I would never get to see grow. And for my only son's young childhood that I feel I didn't savor and soak in quite enough. Guilt and regret. That is what I felt...
A few months after I lost our Blueberry, I found out I was pregnant again. I was elated. Scared, worried. But excited and overjoyed.
We made it through the first trimester, and then the second, and then before we knew it our baby girl was here. With us. In our arms. <3
My tiny angels have shaped and influenced the mother that I am today. Those few short moments they were a part of me on this earth, a total of 21 weeks combined, changed who I am forever and for the better.
I watch my daughter grow, healthy and strong. I remember how easily this outcome could have been different. I feel blessed. And fortunate. And grateful.
I breathe her in. ALL THE TIME. She snuggles up to me in the middle of the night to nurse, and rests her head beneath my chin, and I kiss her forehead and smell the top of her sweet head that has just recently started to become soft with tiny curls.
I don't take too much for granted now. Ever.
I pray for the health and safety of both of my children every single night.
I am more present, for her and for my son.
Sadly, I am not sure I would have become the mother I am now had not been for my two sweet losses. For that, I am eternally grateful to both of my angels. <3
