Summer Blog Challenge, Day 40- The Hardest Challenge I Have Been Faced With...

The hardest challenge I have ever had to face was the decision to try to get pregnant again, and then the actual pregnancy itself.


Before our sweet baby girl came to us I had had two early miscarriages in a row.  My first miscarriage was what they term a missed miscarriage.  The baby had stopped growing earlier on, but my body still acted as if it was pregnant.  I found out when I thought I was about 12-13 weeks pregnant.  I had went to the ER because I just felt something wasn't right even though I had no outwardly symptoms of a miscarriage.  The ER confirmed what my instinct seemed to already know- my baby had stopped growing around 7 weeks.  A couple of days later, I went to the women's clinic at the same hospital and received my only picture I would ever have of that baby.  My tiny, motionless little Peanut. Floating.
My second miscarriage happened almost exactly one year to the date from my first one.  But this one happened much more quickly, and naturally.  I was 8 weeks pregnant and started spotting and cramping.  I lost Blueberry that same weekend.


Two miscarriages in a row combined with my age and the fact that I had a healthy 12 year old son put me into the secondary infertility category.  My OB ordered every blood test possible- everything came back normal.
She performed a saline sonogram- everything looked normal.
And she said to go ahead and try, that she would see me for my first prenatal appointment.


Never had more hopeful and fearful words been spoken to me.
We had no answers, no reasons why but she wanted us to just jump right in there again and try.
We fortunately got pregnant right away... with the quintessential honeymoon baby.  The first trimester was one of the hardest and one of the most blessed things I have ever had to experience.  Each ultrasound started with anxiety, fear, sometimes panic, and ended with relief and joy.

I am not sure if my husband and I will try for another baby.  We still have a couple of years to decide.  But the possibility excites me and scares the hell out of me all at the same time.  My pregnancy with baby girl was so anxiety-ridden and scary at times that I am not sure I would want to endure that again.  Plus, with the next baby I would be over 35.  That opens up a whole new bag of fears.  For now, we are enjoying and cherishing our precious little girl.  I feel we will know what decision to make about adding to our family when the time comes... 

Hey Anxiety, Can We Please Call a Truce for Just the Next 6 Months??

Anxiety has been a part of my life for the past 4 years.  At it's worst, it left me feeling utterly paralyzed.  At it's worst, I was at a job that I loathed.  The boss was constantly looking for anything & everything to criticize.  I suffered from 5-6 full-blown anxiety attacks every day while working.  Every. single. day.  At it's worst, I lost hours and hours of sleep.  Insomnia became the norm for me.  My relationships suffered greatly.  I lost more than one friend during that time.  At the urging of my sister & a close friend (and the realization that I felt completely out of control with my life), I finally got help.  Professional help.  And it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

3 years later I decided to wean myself from the anti-anxiety meds my therapist had prescribed for me.  I had became an avid yogi, and felt more grounded.  Cooking became a form of therapy for me as well.  Anxiety attacks were pretty much nonexistent for me at the time.  And I knew I would want to try to conceive again soon.  I didn't want to be on anti-anxiety meds when they time came.  I was on them when my first miscarriage happened.  Why I cannot say that the meds caused my loss, I also cannot rule out that they didn't. 

Anxiety has taken on a new life during this pregnancy.  Anxiety most exhibits itself when you feel you have no control over the outcomes in your life.  And during what time more than any in a woman's life does she feel more out of control of the outcome that when she is carrying another life? While most of the time I can keep it in check, there are times when it gets the best of me & the worry overtakes me.  During these times, many of you have witnessed my frantic ramblings.  My tweets of worry and what-if's.  I thank all of you who have been there, reassuring me, and just supporting me.  While just about every expectant mother worries at some point, an expectant mother who suffers from anxiety and has suffered from 2 miscarriages faces a different challenge.  I want to stay calm and positive for my baby.  I feel guilty when I am not able to do that. 

This past week we have received absolutely joyful and relieving news about our baby Bean.  We saw Bean active and flipping on the ultrasound screen.  Everything looks great.  Our first trimester screening results came back normal.  We have no need to worry about CVS or amniocentesis.  For four days in a row, I felt some kind of flutter or bubbles from the Bean.  Maybe for only a few seconds, but at least once a day.  We told everyone that we are pregnant.  We were finally at a milestone in this pregnancy where we felt comfortable doing that. 
And maybe for all of these reasons, this is why I am now anxious.  I am not used to receiving good news about a pregnancy.  A part of me thinks that maybe some of this is just too good to be true.  All of our friends and family now know that we are pregnant.  And while I was comfortable with this, I now feel so exposed.  Everyone knows now.  And now I am scared that something bad will happen. 

I hadn't felt any Bean bubbles all day yesterday.  I had felt sharp twinges in my left side (where Bean has been hanging out lately) first thing yesterday morning.  But not much after that... Last night my anxiety got the best of me.  It took my thoughts and my emotions and ran with them.  I have less resistance when anxiety attacks me in the middle of the night or the wee early hours of the morning.  If I can't get myself back to sleep immediately, the worry takes over my mind and sleep eludes me. 
I whispered to myself that all was fine, to just breathe, and order a Doppler to rent first thing in the morning...  And I told Bean how much she was is loved.  Please keep growing for mama.