~On the Wings of Angels~ You Just Never Know...

Today, I am honored to have my dear friend Audrey guest posting on my blog to help raise awareness for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Audrey & I "met" on Twitter.  We connected just a few months after my second miscarriage as she had just started suffering through her second loss.  You can find Audrey blogging over at Stuff Audrey Says.  In today's post, Audrey speaks as to why you shouldn't always assume that other mothers have no clue of what your grief and heartbreak feels like...

*Also do not forget to enter to win the beautiful Shades of Awareness Custom Infertility/Miscarriage Awareness Necklace on my blog HERE.

I attended a yoga workshop a few weeks ago. A woman I had never met placed her mat next to mine and we began to talk. I don't want to tell you too much about her, but her story ended like this:

"...and then I went into labor."

I remembered. I remembered the doctors telling me that my babies had no heartbeats. I remembered that I would never get to hold them, and I instantly resented her for having what I didn't.

It wasn't until weeks later that I learned her whole story, and that her baby was born full-term, but sleeping. Still. She knew the same pain I did.

I sat with my mouth hanging open, dumbfounded. I, of all people, judged her. I judged myself. I knew even then how common pregnancy and stillbirth was, and yet I assumed that she had an infant waiting for her at home with a babysitter. 

I should have hugged her, not judged her. I am ashamed that, in my bitterness, I jumped to conclusions so quickly. There could have been healing there, comfort even, but instead there was judgment. My thoughts spun as I listened to the rest of her story.

What I thought I knew, but learned again that day, is this: you just never know.

One in four women will experience loss. You'd think that someone like me, who had experienced the loss of a child three times, would know that.

Reach across the mat. I wish I had.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Plato

Audrey is a three-time miscarriage survivor and blogs about life as she knows it over at www.stuffaudreysays.com. She works an 8-to-5 and loves all things canine and graphic design. Please go say hello!

The Mother I am Today....

How ironic is it that the loss of my two sweet babies so early on has helped me become a better, more loving mother?

I took so much for granted before.  I cringe to think of how much of my son's precious childhood I squandered while I was doing "life".  I was young then.  Naive.  Ignorant to how quickly grief and heartache can find you.  Not aware of how those priceless days of baby chub, and a head full of soft curls, and mommy snuggles would slip by me.  Always thinking there will be another baby before too long, and I will get to enjoy all of that once more.

Then my first miscarriage happened.  It ripped out my heart.  But it was just one loss.  Lots of women suffer the loss of a single pregnancy and then go on to have more babies with no complications, no worries, no more losses.

Then I got pregnant again almost exactly one year from the time of my first miscarriage.  And I was terrified.  I did not expect to feel that way.  Every twinge I over analyzed.  And then the spotting started.  I already knew before it was confirmed.  I spent that first night sobbing with my husband until 3am, already knowing what was about to happen.  I was losing this baby too.  My heart broke.  Again.

Now the possibility that I may never have another baby became more of a reality to me.  I grieved.  For the babies that were with me just a few short, sweet moments and that I would never get to see grow.  And for my only son's young childhood that I feel I didn't savor and soak in quite enough.  Guilt and regret.  That is what I felt...

A few months after I lost our Blueberry, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was elated.  Scared, worried.  But excited and overjoyed.

We made it through the first trimester, and then the second, and then before we knew it our baby girl was here.  With us.  In our arms. <3

My tiny angels have shaped and influenced the mother that I am today.  Those few short moments they were a part of me on this earth, a total of 21 weeks combined, changed who I am forever and for the better.  

I watch my daughter grow, healthy and strong.  I remember how easily this outcome could have been different.  I feel blessed.  And fortunate.  And grateful.

I breathe her in.  ALL THE TIME.  She snuggles up to me in the middle of the night to nurse, and rests her head beneath my chin, and I kiss her forehead and smell the top of her sweet head that has just recently started to become soft with tiny curls.

I don't take too much for granted now.  Ever.  

I pray for the health and safety of both of my children every single night.

I am more present, for her and for my son.

Sadly, I am not sure I would have become the mother I am now had not been for my two sweet losses.  For that, I am eternally grateful to both of my angels. <3

Shades of Awareness Giveaway~ Custom PAIL Awareness Necklace

I am beyond thrilled that the lovely Michelle from Shades of Awareness Jewelry has agreed to sponsor a wonderful and touching giveaway on my blog to help raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss during the month of October.  I have been trying to spread the word that October is Not Just All Pink Ribbons.  October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Tonight at 7:00pm across the world, grieving parents everywhere will be lighting a single candle in honor and remembrance of their little ones who were much too precious for this world. <3  I will be lighting a candle to remember my Peanut (lost January 2010 at around 14 weeks, stopped growing at 6-7 weeks) and my sweet Blueberry (lost January 2011 at around 7 1/2 weeks).  

To honor the mothers, the survivors of pregnancy and infant loss, Shades of Awareness would love to give one beautiful mama this necklace...

The winner of this giveaway will be able to choose which sterling message ring they would like- HOPE, Believe, SURVIVOR, or STRENGTH.

Shades of Awareness creates a wide array of jewelry that honors and raises awareness for any and every cause you can think of.  Please check out her etsy shop to see her many other beautiful pieces.  Here are a few others that I absolutely love...

I actually own this one. :) ^^^

This giveaway is open internationally.  Giveaway ends at 12:01am on Monday, October 22nd.  Once the winner is announced & emailed, they will have 48 hours to reply back or a new winner will have to be chosen.  The giveaway is for the custom sterling silver message ring necklace ONLY (value $32).  Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter.

Good luck to all! :)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

~On the Wings of Angels~ Mama to Seven

In my continuing effort to raise awareness for Pregnancy & Infant Loss this month, my dear friend Vanessa is sharing her story with us all today.  I first met Vanessa through Twitter after I had suffered my second miscarriage.  She is such a sweet, supportive soul and we spent quite a few tweet sessions holding each other up the best that we could. <3  To read more about Vanessa's story, please feel free to visit and follow along with her on her blog, Pure Ness.

Whenever I meet someone new, I harbor a tiny feeling of dread for the moment I get asked that question, especially when that someone is a parent. What do parents like to talk about the most? Their kids. Somewhere in that initial conversation, you're bound to get some variation of the question, "How many kids do you have?" Doesn't really sound like such a horrible question does it? An innocent conversation maker. How do I always answer?
"Just one."

Just one. Except I don't have just one. I have seven children. Seven. There's just only one on earth with me. I hate answering that question. I always feel a little bit of guilt, a small feeling of betraying my other children, because they all deserve to be recognized, to be known, acknowledged. I love them all, I miss them all, they are all part of my life, of what makes me, me. Part of me longs to answer, "Seven," or, "One on earth." I want people to know I have all these wonderful, amazing children, but except for the very, very rare time, I can't bring myself to do it. It opens me up to questions I don't always want to answer, things I don't necessarily want to share with relative strangers. It would make people feel sorry for me, or just sorry they asked the question in the first place, because "Whoa. That's far deeper water than I was intending to get into," and then the conversation becomes all awkward and stilted. I don't want to be the one to bring a dampener to a casual conversation.

I think that if I could just say it casually, a simple statement of fact, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but then I'm afraid that I'll appear callous, making little of miscarriage and related losses, the permanent mark left on my soul. Or be reinforcing the idea that miscarriage is not a big deal, sad, but you get over it, you know? But it is a big deal. It's huge. It's heartbreaking and life changing. And you don't really get over it, you just learn (or try to anyways) to accept it as part of your life. The losses become part of who you are.

I also have trouble answering this question as honestly as I want to, because I don't want to be known as the women who had six miscarriages. I don't want this to be my identity. I have had six miscarriages, but more than that, I am Mother to seven children. Seven children who I love dearly, six who I miss daily. One amazing boy that I get to cuddle, hug, and put to bed every night, and six that I love from a distance. I call them by name, I tell them how much I love them and I miss them. I tell them how glad I am that they are happy and that they have each other. I remind them to look out for one another, even though they really don't need to do that there (the mother in me can't help it). I ask Jesus to give them the hugs I so long to give to them myself. I can see them, how beautiful and strong they are. I see how kind they are and how full of love and joy, and I'm so incredibly proud to be their Mama.

Despite my guilt at not acknowledging them, at not sharing with the world that I have six more wonderful children, I know they hold nothing against me. They love me without hesitance, despite my hesitance to bring them up in casual conversation. They have no needs from me, they simply love me as I am, as I love them. They know how proud I am of them, and with this post I will find a way to begin telling everyone else how proud I am of them too.

- Vanessa, Mama to JJ, Dunadan, Anastasios, Sayuri, Tacey, Aliento, and Nima

The Evening My Blissful Ignorance Was Shattered...

Guilt.  That is what I felt.  And an overwhelming grief that I didn't even know was possible to feel until then.  I wasn't numb.  That was for sure.  

I walked out of that ER and drove to my home knowing that my precious Peanut was gone.  There was nothing I do could do to bring that sweet baby back.  He had been gone now for what looked like at least a month.  I was about 13 weeks pregnant, but he only measured around 6-7 weeks.  No heartbeat.  No hope.  Just stillness.  Painful, heartbreaking stillness.

The guilt first consumed me that evening.  How could I not know that my baby had died?  He was a part of me.  I had been walking around carrying my floating, lifeless Peanut for nearly 5 weeks.  And I didn't know.  How couldn't I know??  I am his mother.  I should have known.  
Then came the self-inflicted questions.... What did I do wrong?  Was it something I didn't do?  Did I do something that caused irreversible harm to my tiny baby before I even knew he existed?  

Then came the grief almost immediately after.  Like a wave that mingled and twisted with the guilt I was feeling.  Warm, hard tears spilled from my eyes.  And then the heavy, heavy sobbing.  My hand slipped to my belly, just that week showing some roundness and giving a clue to the rest of the world of the tiny little life that I thought I was growing inside of me.  I had to cradle that sweet little soul the only way that I could.  I rubbed my belly.  I cried.  I cradled the roundness because I knew in that moment that the soft belly I had come to adore wouldn't be there much more longer.  My baby would leave me completely, and I would be left with the emptiness.  The ache.  The grief.  The longing.  The pain.

I pulled out the box that I had started collecting baby things in.  I grabbed the tiny sleeper I had bought for him to wear that first couple of months that he would be a part of this world and hugged it tightly to my chest.  It hit me like a mack truck.  He would never wear that sleeper.  I would never cuddle and snuggle my baby.  I would never see his sweet smile.  At least not here in this life.  

The pain was.... is real.  The grief even over 2 1/2 years later still finds me now and again.  Like a wave that slowly rolls in and then crashes down all over and around me...

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am the one in four who has suffered a loss.

~On the Wings of Angels Memorial Bracelet Giveaway~

October is not just about the pink and saving the tatas.  October is also dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  Throughout this entire month, I will be doing my part the best that I can to raise awareness, to break the silence, to make the heartbreaking topic of pregnancy & infant loss less taboo.  

I wasn't always so outspoken and forthcoming about my losses.  There was a time when I didn't talk about my sweet angels.  There was a time when it seemed no one wanted to hear about my babies who were too precious for this earth.  

But I realized I was doing myself a disservice.  I was not honoring my angels like I wanted to.  I was not making myself available to other grieving mamas who may need a safe place to talk, to vent, to just be.

So, I started talking about them.  My miscarriages.  My babies. My unexplained secondary infertility.  

At first, to just a somewhat anonymous Twitter community.

And then finally I came out to my friends and family.

And I found that it has been helping me heal.  My heart will never be completely unbroken.  That is not possible.

But talking about my precious Peanut and Blueberry, being there for other grieving mamas has helped eased the pain.

I knew that I wanted to do a few special things for my grieving mothers out there this month.  For one of these, I commissioned my sister of Gems by Ginny to create this beautiful bracelet of baby blue and pink crystals adorned with silver angel winged hearts.  I wanted one of my fellow mamas of a sweet, sweet angel to have this.  To wear this and know that her baby is not forgotten.  

(If you are interested in contacting Ginny to create a custom memorial bracelet for yourself or a dear friend or family member, please do not hesitate to email her at ginnylt@yahoo.com.  She would be more than happy to work with you to create the perfect bracelet, necklace, or earrings.)

How can you win?  Just complete the Rafflecopter form below.  I am showing some love for Karen of Patching Hearts who wrote a beautiful guest post on my blog Friday about her sweet angel, Parker, so a couple of the entries are for her. <3

This giveaway is open to US & Canadian residents only.  I wish I could make it international, but shipping costs & customs makes this difficult for me. :(  Giveaway ends at 12:01am on Monday, October 15th.  Once the winner is announced & emailed, they will have 48 hours to reply back or a new winner will have to be chosen.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

~On the Wings of an Angel~ Parker's Story

In my efforts to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on my blog throughout the month of October, I have invited some beautiful, courageous mothers to share their stories with my readers this month.  Today, I am honored to have Karen from patching hearts.  I believe that my meeting Karen was fate.  She actually won a group giveaway in which I was giving away an ad spot.  I fell in love with her and her blog the first day I clicked on over. <3
Thank you, Karen for sharing Parker's beautiful story with us today...

Thanks so much to Carrie for letting me tell my story today.  Our story began 5 years ago.  After trying to conceive unsuccessfully for about a year, we sought out help through a fertility clinic.  In January 2008 I found out I was pregnant.  Four weeks later, I learned that it was twins.  There are no words to describe our excitement.  I had secretly (or maybe not so secretly) always dreamed of having twins.  The Doctor described my babies that day as 2 diamond rings and I loved that analogy as they were (and still are) so precious to me.  They had strong heartbeats.  Other than the horrific morning sickness, I had a good pregnancy up until 30 weeks. 

At 30 weeks, I went into preterm labor and was put on bed rest.  I was okay with that.  I would have done anything to protect my babies.  I continued having weekly appointments with my OB and biweekly appointments with the high risk specialist.  At 35 weeks, 6 days, I was seen by my OB.  This was the turning point in my pregnancy.  I remember begging her to take the babies that day.  I was partially joking at the time, but didn’t realize what a pivotal moment that really was.  Of course, she said no.  Sometime between that morning and 2 days later (at 36 weeks, 1 day), I lost my son, Parker.

I can’t tell you when it happened.  For that, I will always feel tremendous guilt.  I mean, how could I not know?  It happened in my belly…on my watch!  My job was to protect my children and I failed.  That is how I saw it.  I still think back and wonder…when did it happen?  Did it hurt?  Did Mia know what was going on? 

This is what I do know…  Thursday morning, September 11, I went to see the high risk Doctor. The ultrasound tech was abnormally quiet.  I just thought she was having a bad day.  I didn’t really pay attention.  Finally, she said she needed to find the Doctor.  I asked what was wrong.  I was starting to panic at that point.  She said she could not find a heartbeat for baby B. 

Shortly after, I was sent across the street to Labor and Delivery where it was confirmed that we lost our son.  We lost Parker.  I was put in a room for a couple of hours with one pink monitor on my belly instead of 2 (a pink and a blue).  In some ways, that afternoon is a blur and in others, I remember it in slow motion.  Family came.  They tried to stay positive, trying to keep me from getting upset.  I called my Dad who insisted the Doctor was wrong and maybe Parker was okay.  It was surreal. 

At 5:44pm, I delivered the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  Mia Rosalie was born weighing 5 lbs and 15 oz and screaming.  It was music to my ears.

At 5:47pm, the room was silent as I delivered my 4 lbs, 14oz son, Parker Kennedy. 

My husband had gone with Mia and it was just me and the Doctor and nurses and NICU team.  The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck, arm, and leg twice.  It was a long thin cord, which sometimes happens with twin births.  My Doctor said she had never seen a baby so tangled.  I knew this had to be true as he was the most active baby I’ve ever felt (even since then).  He was constantly doing flips.  Now, you may wonder…if he was constantly moving, didn’t you wonder why he stopped?   The answer is no.  By the time I was 36 weeks along, they were so big I couldn’t tell who was who in there.  I wish I could say that I felt him not move.  I wish I could pinpoint when it happened, but I can’t. 

After losing Parker, we decided to try again.  I got pregnant on my own 6 months later and at 8 weeks (on my first Mother’s Day weekend no less), after hearing the strong normal heartbeat, we lost that baby as well. 

Three months later, we tried IVF again and I gave birth to a gorgeous 6 lb, 12 oz little boy, Paxton Christopher, who brings me so much joy every day.

While my story is a sad one…I am not the only one.  So many people experience infant and newborn loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage every day.  Let’s take this month to remember all of our babies. 

If you are looking for ways to help or ways to remember your baby, here are some ideas that we do:

·         Walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies

·         Donate toys to the hospital every year on Parker’s birthday

·         Adopt 2 children at Christmas for the 2 we lost

·         Plant a tree

·         Talk about them.  We are very open about our loss and I just love hearing his name and knowing that people remember him

October is Not Just All Pink Ribbons...

I know this month will be awash in pink ribbons.  The NFL will sport their signature pink gloves and cleats.  Pink foil tops will adorn your morning yogurt cups.  Your morning national news shows will showcase several stories of courage, survival, and perseverance in the face of breast cancer.

What many people will not notice will be the tiny baby blue and pink ribbons grief stricken mothers will be wearing, maybe even displaying on their Facebook pages if they have even dared to speak of their losses to others yet...

No one wants to talk about pregnancy loss.  Or little babies who only shared a few short moments on this earth with us.

It is taboo.  It is not appropriate.  It makes people uncomfortable.

But the month of October also belongs to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know why this cause is so near and dear to me. 

For those of you new to my little space here in the blogosphere, I am the mother to two sweet angels in addition to my son and daughter who share this life with me here and now.

I lost two babies, both in my first trimesters almost exactly one year to the date apart.  

They were a part of me.  They were real.  They were here.  And now they are gone.

But the imprint they made on my heart is not.

The grief still is not...

I am not trying to make this a competition between the causes.  Breast Cancer Awareness is also a cause near to my heart.  I have a grandmother that I have never met because of cancer.  

I am just asking that during our pink hued good heartedness this month that we not forget the brokenhearted parents who had to let go of their sweet babies too soon...

Throughout the month of October I will be doing my small part on my blog to try and raise more awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL).  I will be sharing my stories.  I will be featuring a few guest posts from some of my close friends who need their stories heard.  And there will be a few giveaways from some lovely sponsors for beautiful PAIL mementos.  I ask that you all join me this month in raising awareness. <3

If you have a story that you would like to share on my blog or a pregnancy/infant loss organization that you would like my readers to know more about, please do not hesitate to email me at thefrugalfoodiemama{@}yahoo.com.

Open...

Oh, my heavy, heavy heart...  So much sadness and heartbreak and grief on my Facebook this past week.  The loss of sweet little ones.  Angels here on earth and now in heaven.  It has all been like reopening a wound.  A wound I keep thinking is scarred over enough by now to maybe itch a bit, but not be tore back open.

But here it is.  Open.  
The heartache... real.  The tears I keep choking back... real.

I want to wrap my arms around these sad, grieving, heartbroken mamas...  Women I have never & probably will never meet in real life, but whom I share a sisterhood of sorts with.  Not a sisterhood any woman really ever wants to find themselves in...

These stories of precious babies lost to us much too soon are sometimes too much for me to bear.  They are harsh reminders of how cruel life can sometimes be.  How so much of it is beyond our control.  
And it scares me.  To the core.