Frugal Foodie Mama: There Are No Words... (No, there are not. So stick a sock in it.)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

There Are No Words... (No, there are not. So stick a sock in it.)

*Disclaimer*: This blog post is a tad snarky at times.  Also, this reflects my top 6 of what not to say to a mother who has lost her baby.  Your's may be different.  Please feel free to comment below and add to the list.

As a mother to two angel babies, I have heard the gamet of words of sympathy and condolesences.  Some people have no clue what to say to a grieving mother after she has lost a pregnancy (not that I feel everyone should be an expert on how to handle this, but that is what google is for, my friends).  And most of these people are smart and don't say much, offer a hug and a "I am sorry."  Then there are the ones who "think" they know just the right words to say...  And then they actually speak them aloud.  To you. And while you know they mean well, you can't help but fantasize about rolling up the biggest sock you can find and shoving it into their mouth. 

1. "It was God's plan."
     Yeah, this is what I most loathe to hear.  Or any reference to God or religion whatsoever when it comes to the loss of my baby.  God's plan??  Really?  Granted, I know they have no malicious intents whatsoever when giving religious comments of condolesences.  But that is like telling a cancer patient who is dying in the hospital that her suffering is God's will.  Or that a small child who has been neglected by her parents and dies of starvation was part of God's plan. I mean, who wants to be part of a plan like that anyways??

2.  "I know this has to be hard for you."
    Do NOT say that to me unless you have actually lost a pregnancy.  Because if you haven't lost a baby, then you DON'T know.  And even then, every mother's experience and grief is different.

3.  "You can always get try to get pregnant again."
    Really?  I didn't know that...  But that doesn't change the fact that I wanted THIS baby, my lost baby.  Also, maybe I fear that I can't get pregnant again.  Especially if I have lost more than one pregnancy now or had been trying for a while to conceive.  And even if this is my first loss, I am definitely wanting a reason for why this happened; and I am more than likely already terrified that maybe something is wrong with me.  That maybe I can't get and stay pregnant.

4.  "You already have one child.  Shouldn't you be thankful for that?"
    Already having one child does not mean for a minute that losing this baby hasn't hurt me just as much as the mother who has no children except for angel babies.  First of all, whether you realize it or not you are making me feel like a selfish, ungrateful bitch.  Of course I am thankful for my son!  But let me take away one of your living children and tell you to be grateful because you still have one or two more alive. 

5.  "There must have been something wrong, so it is for the best then."
   Apparently there was something wrong with the baby or with me or it would still be growing inside of me.  Please stick the knife in the wound even further and twist. And the best for whom exactly?

6.  "It is not like it was a real baby.  Be thankful you didn't actually know your baby."
  For most women trying to conceive, that mass of dividing cells is a baby from the moment that plus sign pops up on a pregnancy test.  You are already thinking pink or blue. You start reading the books. You change EVERYTHING about your lifestyle. You are growing YOUR baby.  Doesn't matter if you carried your baby for 5 weeks, 12 weeks, or have a healthy baby in your arms.  It is your baby from the moment you find out about it's tiny existence inside of you.