Frugal Foodie Mama: Why I Am Not a Bitter Infertile...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Why I Am Not a Bitter Infertile...

First of all, I am not Miss Merry Sunshine.  Yes, I do have moments of jealousy, sadness, anger and envy.  But I would never say that the word bitter defines me or my emotions.  Bitter is defined as, "showing or caused by strong unrelenting hostility or resentment."  Am I hostile towards pregnant women?  No.  Do I resent mothers with newborns?  No.  Do I often wish for a "normal" pregnancy again, mostly free from worry & anxiety?  Yes.  All the time.  But I don't blame the fertiles for this.  What are they doing but just living their lives, exactly like we all would be doing if we didn't know the frustrations of infertility or the sorrow of pregnancy loss?  Sometimes this "us" versus "them" mentality makes my stomach turn.  It should be us against infertility, right??  Sometimes it is easier to resent those who have what we want than to turn that resentment towards our frustration with our bodies, with our husband's bodies, with our reproductive limitations, with God... 

I am not saying for a minute that is there is anything wrong with having moments of bitterness.  If we didn't, then we wouldn't be human.  But there are times when the bitterness comes to a define a person.  Those are not just moments of bitterness then. 

I am also not a bitter infertile because once upon a time I was a fertile.  I would have been appalled if I had known when I was pregnant that women resented me, maybe even hated me because I was carrying my son.  I never once did anything consciously to hurt or upset someone who was going through infertility.  Not that I knew that much about the subject then, but I was never some "Yeah, I am pregnant. Sorry that you can't" kind of gal.  Sometimes the comments & jabs at fertiles I read is pretty hurtful to the old, able to easily reproduce me. 
And now, the snarky comment here and there about pregnant women (oh, and I really loved the one about pregnant women getting their Facebook privileges revoked) is hurtful.  I AM PREGNANT.  After losing two babies.  You can tell me that those comments don't apply to me, but they still sting. 

I am not saying that everyone should be like me.  Everyone processes infertility and pregnancy loss differently.  I just don't see a point at being angry and upset with women who have absolutely nothing to do with my reproductive problems.  Plus, you just may be resentful of the wrong woman.  You don't know her story...  She could be just like us, and a source of hope for us now not an outlet for our frustrations.


  1. Generally speaking, I'm not bitter, but I have my moments. I think the hardest for me is seeing all the girls I went to college with, with their beautiful families of four, or expecting their second one. It's like they are all synced together, "And one! And two!" But, there is me, left behind the trail, because my body won't sustain the second one. But, more often than not, I just feel sad that "everyone else" can do it, but I can't.
    And then there are times, when I wonder if those who haven't even been able to get pregnant, or haven't given birth to a screaming bundle of joy, resent me because I have. Most of the time I understand their bitterness - they're justified, but sometimes the comments do bruise.

  2. I feel like this post was somewhat inspired by my recent altercation, so I have to comment. :) for the record, I am often bitter. However, I'm usually bitter at the universe, not at random pregnant women. I am sometimes bitter at people who are lucky enough to have a childs, but only when they smoke/drink/do drugs during pregnancy, harm their child or neglect their child. I don't recall ever participating in a FB privilege recall effort, not would I want to. There is a good chance that I have said something hurtful, and sometimes I don't express myself fully leaving room for assumption. I honestly hope you don't mind that I try to convince myself pregnant women are just fat - its really a self protection tool to make it easier to cope. And for the record, I'm not skinny, nor do I have an issue with overweight people. Telling myself they're fat just makes them more like me in my mind. If I ever am lucky enough to get pregnant, I will probably tell myself that they were infertile, again to quell the pain and make them more like me in my own head. Xoxo


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