Frugal Foodie Mama: The Tear Stained Sleeper

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Tear Stained Sleeper

I bought this for my Peanut.  It was my second pregnancy & I was still blissfully ignorant to the reality of miscarriage.  This is the first thing that I saw & fell in love with and knew that I had to have it for this baby.  I could already see my baby bug all warm and snug for bedtime wearing this very sleeper...

I pulled out my box of a few baby items that I had bought for Peanut today.  Blueberry doesn't have a box.  :/ I couldn't bring myself to buy any baby clothes during my 3rd pregnancy until we had made it to the 2nd trimester.  Tragically, we didn't make it past 7 weeks.  My plan today was to add the clothes I had been buying for the Bean to the outfits I already had from Peanut.  And then I saw this sleeper...  And it opened up unexpected floodgates of sadness and grief for me.
The evening we found out that Peanut was lifeless floating inside of me, I fell asleep clutching this tiny sleeper.  I cried heavily & deeply into it's fabric until I passed out.  I realized that I would never see my Peanut wearing that sleeper to bed.  Or see him smile.  Or hold him warm against my chest.  I clung to this sleeper like it was Peanut himself...

Today I hugged that sleeper against my chest again.  And I cried heavily and deeply into it's fabric.  Pregnancy doesn't make the ache go away...  I still miss the babies that I will never get to meet in this life.