Frugal Foodie Mama: Summer Blog Challenge, Day 35- My Fear

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Summer Blog Challenge, Day 35- My Fear

Death.  Not that I am afraid of dying.  That is not it.  Death scares me for so many other reasons.  It is unpredictable.  Undiscerning.  And sometimes, untimely.  It is the one thing that we cannot control, and the one thing that is inevitable for us all.


I fear leaving my family before I am ready to go.  Before they are ready.  I want to be there for my son and daughter.  To encourage them in their goals, to love them through their faults, to see them grow and smile each day.  To be their source of comfort, and strength, and  when I can, wisdom.  I want my daughter to know who her mother is through me.  Not from the stories and anecdotes I know my husband, son and parents would tell her.  Not from her one day finding this blog and reading about who I was, what I cherished, what I feared, what made me smile. 


I deeply fear losing my children.  Perhaps this is a result of my previous miscarriages mixed with my anxiety, but it is real and occasionally haunts me.  I am no longer able to live with the mindset that carries many people through their everyday lives- that it cannot happen to me.  Those kinds of things happen to other people.  But not me.  That mindset, that ignorant bliss was shattered for me over 2 years ago.  I cherish each moment with my children.  The jokes and laughs with my son.  The early morning snuggles and bright smiles from my baby girl. I live in fearful awareness at times.  That fears lives with me, tucked into the shadows of my heart. 


I do not fear dying.  I do not fear what happens after death.  My fears are for the broken hearts and grieving souls of those that are left behind- whether my own or those that I love...







5 comments :

  1. Well put about death. Just know that the learning and teaching going on now for your kids will make them great people when they are older. I always say to my kid/hubby that I will always watch down from heaven to see what you are up too. Nice post and very thoughtful. Eh. and thanks for the tears!

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  2. You just have to live each day as it comes. Cherish your family and friends and never take anything for granted.

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  3. I also have a fear similar to this. About losing the kids; mine is the fear of having no control at all and not being able to save them from pain.

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  4. Such a thoughtful post. I am so glad you wrote this...I went with some of my deep places with my SBC post, too.

    Read my post to see what I am afraid of... in addition to being afraid of the dark, ofcourse.

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  5. You're very insightful. I found myself thinking "yeah, I think that too but never knew how to put it into words"... so thank you for being able to communicate what I haven't been able to.

    You know I have a fear of death as well so thanks for your kind words on my post today!

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