Frugal Foodie Mama: The Evening My Blissful Ignorance Was Shattered...

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Evening My Blissful Ignorance Was Shattered...

Guilt.  That is what I felt.  And an overwhelming grief that I didn't even know was possible to feel until then.  I wasn't numb.  That was for sure.  

I walked out of that ER and drove to my home knowing that my precious Peanut was gone.  There was nothing I do could do to bring that sweet baby back.  He had been gone now for what looked like at least a month.  I was about 13 weeks pregnant, but he only measured around 6-7 weeks.  No heartbeat.  No hope.  Just stillness.  Painful, heartbreaking stillness.

The guilt first consumed me that evening.  How could I not know that my baby had died?  He was a part of me.  I had been walking around carrying my floating, lifeless Peanut for nearly 5 weeks.  And I didn't know.  How couldn't I know??  I am his mother.  I should have known.  
Then came the self-inflicted questions.... What did I do wrong?  Was it something I didn't do?  Did I do something that caused irreversible harm to my tiny baby before I even knew he existed?  

Then came the grief almost immediately after.  Like a wave that mingled and twisted with the guilt I was feeling.  Warm, hard tears spilled from my eyes.  And then the heavy, heavy sobbing.  My hand slipped to my belly, just that week showing some roundness and giving a clue to the rest of the world of the tiny little life that I thought I was growing inside of me.  I had to cradle that sweet little soul the only way that I could.  I rubbed my belly.  I cried.  I cradled the roundness because I knew in that moment that the soft belly I had come to adore wouldn't be there much more longer.  My baby would leave me completely, and I would be left with the emptiness.  The ache.  The grief.  The longing.  The pain.

I pulled out the box that I had started collecting baby things in.  I grabbed the tiny sleeper I had bought for him to wear that first couple of months that he would be a part of this world and hugged it tightly to my chest.  It hit me like a mack truck.  He would never wear that sleeper.  I would never cuddle and snuggle my baby.  I would never see his sweet smile.  At least not here in this life.  

The pain was.... is real.  The grief even over 2 1/2 years later still finds me now and again.  Like a wave that slowly rolls in and then crashes down all over and around me...

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am the one in four who has suffered a loss.


27 comments :

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain of remembering. Although I do not know the feelings you went through or still do, my best friend suffered through the same loss about 9 years ago. Her Peanut was her very first, and she lost him at 7 months. She is now pregnant and due on Oct 15. I am so excited for her new addition!
    My heart and prayers go out to the women who have lost a baby.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Kristin, thank you so much for your kind words... I am so sorry for your friend's precious loss. <3

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  2. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I had the same exact situation happen to me about six months ago. I feel the same guilt and sadness. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps people like me feel like we're not alone.

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    1. Thank you, hun. I am so sorry that you know exactly how this feels. <3 Sending you much love and healing...

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  3. I lost my first baby over two years ago when my husband was on deployment. It hurts me even now, remembering seeing that first ultrasound, then losing it not even two days later. Where I find comfort is knowing that we now have a guardian angel in heaven, and knowing they will be there waiting for us and his sister. I am sorry for your loss but will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

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    1. Thank you, sweetie. I am sorry you had to go through that without your husband there. <3 It gives me comfort as well to know that there are sweet precious angels waiting for me in my next life, and watching over us all now.

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  4. SO sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
    xoxo,
    Karen

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    1. Thank you, dear. And thank you for sharing your story on my blog last Friday. <3

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  5. Carrie, I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Julie

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  6. Oh Carrie, I'm so, so sorry, hun. :( Big hugs to you! xo

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  7. Your story is so familiar to mine.. My husband and I both had children coming into the relationship. During out engagement while planning our wedding we discovered we were expecting. We were all so happy, our families, our children, and us. We lost our baby at 14 weeks and they said it had stopped developing too a few weeks prior. We were devastated, and trying to explain to the kids and deal with their hurt was heartbreaking.
    We went on with our wedding, and had 2 sons, but that memory is still there.

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    1. I am so sorry that you also know this pain. <3 Sending you much love and healing...

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  8. Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. My sister lost her baby after trying for years and I remember crying with her, the grief is so strong and the sense of loss so overwhelming. I know she still blames herself for it.

    My prayers are with you.

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    1. Thank you, sweetie... My heart goes out to your sister. Thank you for being there for her through her grief. <3

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing and for being so honest and open and raw. Blessings.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your story. It can't be easy to share something like this, but it does help others understand. I have not lost a baby but I have had those close to me experience something similar and it's just devastating.

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    1. Thank you, Sara. I hope that by being honest and open about my losses that the topic can stop being so taboo. Grieving mamas need to be able to talk about their babies, how the feel. They need to be allowed to just grieve.

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  11. So heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. You're so brave. Hugs♥

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  12. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Remember, he watches over you everyday, and loves you!

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  13. I have no words for you, Carrie. Thank you for making this more real for us. I don't think that I could ever even begin to imagine this kind of pain until I became a mama.

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  14. Thank you so much for sharing your heart about your losses. I think the more women who speak up about their losses, the more women who are going through a loss will feel less alone. Thank you for linking up with us today. Honoring your baby with you today.

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  15. Carrie, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us. This will help so many out there to understand and to have hope. xoxo

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