Blissful ignorance. Sometimes I long to feel that again... I had that once. When I was pregnant with my son. I didn't overanalyze every little twinge and pain and ache and pregnancy symptom. I just assumed whatever I was feeling at the time was normal because, well... I had never been pregnant before and what the hell did I know? I read What to Expect When You Are Expecting like it was my daily bible. But I wasn't a total spaz. I didn't work myself up into a fevered frenzy with every new symptom that I couldn't definitively define as a sign of a healthy pregnancy. I was just able to Be. In the moment. I attached every fiber of my being to that little boy that was growing inside me. And I didn't worry all that much...
Que ahead 13 years later... Almost 9 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. But I don't have 3 children right now. I have one- my son. My second baby should have turned 1 in less than a month from now. I should still be pregnant with my third baby. She wasn't due until September 13th...
So here I am pregnant with my fourth miracle. And I am scared. I have the ability to become a total basketcase at the drop of a dime. It is a great skill you pick up after pregnancy loss has forever changed your life. I can never have back the blissful ignorance I experienced when pregnant with my son. Miscarriage has robbed me of that. No matter how optimistic, or zen, or hopeful I try to be, that looming gray cloud will always be there. Once you know how easily something can go wrong, you really can't ever forget that. It is there. It is real. And while I am sure it will fade somewhat as I get further along in this pregnancy, it will never really disappear.
After giving birth to my son, I always dreamed of the day when I would be pregnant again. It never really hit me until after I was holding him in the delivery room what all was really going on inside of me that past 9 months. I mean, I knew. I read all the books, and we had more ultrasound pics than most expecting parentss I knew at the time did due to my son's kidney problem they discovered during my 16 week scan. But you don't really KNOW until you are holding that little person in your arms and looking at them face to face and not through sound waves. I knew with my next pregnancy I would not take what was happening inside of me for granted. I knew what was happening now. But after a divorce, and 9 years of dating the wrong guys, my dreams of baby #2 seemed to be fading.
And then I met my husband. By then, I had suffered one miscarriage. It tainted my excitement of finally being pregnant with my second baby. We found out we were pregnant in January of this year. I became the cautious, superstition fearing mother-to-be and most of you know that story. We lost our baby on the last day of January.
I am angry sometimes. Angry that it seems like the joy and happiness I should be feeling with this pregnancy has been stolen by loss and grief and pain. I feel guilty. Guilty that I am not able to give this baby the same feelings of excitement and confidence that I gave my son when I was carrying him. It isn't fair, really. I feel like I am putting my joy and total elation on hold until we reach some momentous milestone in the near future, but I never really can decide just what that milestone will be- another ultrasound showing our baby is growing on schedule? The second trimester? When we find out the sex?
Not being excited and happy as I want to be is also causing me to put an emotional space between myself and this baby... I love it with all my heart. There is no doubt of that. But my heart fears the possibility of being broken again.
My baby deserves more from me. And I need to be better, do better... I have to find the courage to let go of my fears as best as I can and just Be. Right here. In this moment. Pregnant with my sweet little baby. I am grateful for every moment this baby is growing inside of me and my baby needs to know that.