A Mother's Longing Just to Be... Just Once More.

Blissful ignorance.  Sometimes I long to feel that again... I had that once.  When I was pregnant with my son.  I didn't overanalyze every little twinge and pain and ache and pregnancy symptom.  I just assumed whatever I was feeling at the time was normal because, well... I had never been pregnant before and what the hell did I know?  I read What to Expect When You Are Expecting like it was my daily bible.  But I wasn't a total spaz.  I didn't work myself up into a fevered frenzy with every new symptom that I couldn't definitively define as a sign of a healthy pregnancy.  I was just able to Be.  In the moment.  I attached every fiber of my being to that little boy that was growing inside me.  And I didn't worry all that much...

Que ahead 13 years later... Almost 9 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby.  But I don't have 3 children right now.  I have one- my son.  My second baby should have turned 1 in less than a month from now.  I should still be pregnant with my third baby.  She wasn't due until September 13th... 

So here I am pregnant with my fourth miracle.  And I am scared.  I have the ability to become a total basketcase at the drop of a dime.  It is a great skill you pick up after pregnancy loss has forever changed your life.  I can never have back the blissful ignorance I experienced when pregnant with my son.  Miscarriage has robbed me of that.  No matter how optimistic, or zen, or hopeful I try to be, that looming gray cloud will always be there.  Once you know how easily something can go wrong, you really can't ever forget that.  It is there.  It is real.  And while I am sure it will fade somewhat as I get further along in this pregnancy, it will never really disappear.

After giving birth to my son, I always dreamed of the day when I would be pregnant again.  It never really hit me until after I was holding him in the delivery room what all was really going on inside of me that past 9 months.  I mean, I knew.  I read all the books, and we had more ultrasound pics than most expecting parentss I knew at the time did due to my son's kidney problem they discovered during my 16 week scan.  But you don't really KNOW until you are holding that little person in your arms and looking at them face to face and not through sound waves.  I knew with my next pregnancy I would not take what was happening inside of me for granted.  I knew what was happening now.  But after a divorce, and 9 years of dating the wrong guys, my dreams of baby #2 seemed to be fading. 
And then I met my husband.  By then, I had suffered one miscarriage.  It tainted my excitement of finally being pregnant with my second baby.  We found out we were pregnant in January of this year.  I became the cautious, superstition fearing mother-to-be and most of you know that story.  We lost our baby on the last day of January.

I am angry sometimes.  Angry that it seems like the joy and happiness I should be feeling with this pregnancy has been stolen by loss and grief and pain.  I feel guilty.  Guilty that I am not able to give this baby the same feelings of excitement and confidence that I gave my son when I was carrying him.  It isn't fair, really.  I feel like I am putting my joy and total elation on hold until we reach some momentous milestone in the near future, but I never really can decide just what that milestone will be- another ultrasound showing our baby is growing on schedule? The second trimester?  When we find out the sex? 
Not being excited and happy as I want to be is also causing me to put an emotional space between myself and this baby... I love it with all my heart.  There is no doubt of that.  But my heart fears the possibility of being broken again.

My baby deserves more from me.  And I need to be better, do better...  I have to find the courage to let go of my fears as best as I can and just Be.  Right here.  In this moment.  Pregnant with my sweet little baby.  I am grateful for every moment this baby is growing inside of me and my baby needs to know that.

Restoring My Hope One Baby Step at a Time...

Bean- 7 weeks, 3 days

After a restless & somewhat worrisome day and a half, my husband and I got to see Bean again for a third time.  There was no emergency.  No miscarriage symptoms.  Just this looming bake it or break it deadline looming in the back of my mind.  The 7th week of pregnancy has not been good to me or my babies the last two times. 

They brought me back to the ultrasound room 20 minutes after my scheduled time.  On edge and anxious, the ultrasound tech inserted the wand and I took a deep breath, squeezing my husband's hand.  In just a few moments, we would know.  We would know if our baby had made it through my scary week.  Within a few seconds, I heard her speak magical words to us, "I see the heartbeat and boy, is it going!".  She turned the screen towards us and there in the middle of that hazy, white mass was a wildly flickering spot- our baby's heart beating.  I laughed, then I cried and then I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  She did a count on the baby's heart rate- an amazing 175 beats per minute!  Bean had went from a heart rate of 105 one week before to 175!  Wow....  She did all the necessary measurements and then gave us our first official due date- February 14, 2012. <3  Happy Valentine's Day to us... :)

My anxiety has greatly subsided since this ultrasound.  We had reached one incredible milestone- a baby with a strong heartbeat past 7 weeks.  Today we reached another- I have made it to 8 weeks of pregnancy.  I haven't made it to the 8th week in pregnancy since I was pregnant with my son 13 years ago.  Tomorrow we will hopefully reach another- making it to our first prenatal appointment with our OB/GYN.  My hope is returning, my faith in my body is being restored...  I know I am not completely out of the woods.  You never are until you are actually holding that tiny baby in your arms after 9 months of pregnancy, and hours of labor and pushing.  But I have hope.  My hope is looking at you in that picture above.