And The Verdict is in! It's A...

Bean at 19 weeks, 6 days

Now you didn't think I was going to tell you right away, did you?  ;)  Today was the day.  The day we would find out for sure if our Bean is indeed a girl.  As some of you may recall, the tech at our 13 week ultrasound guessed that the Bean could very well be a girl.  (She also said to be sure to keep our receipts if we went out and bought a bunch of pink.)  I had felt pretty confident going into this ultrasound that our baby would indeed turn out to be a baby girl.  Then I had that dream last week...

I dreamt that my husband and I had to go to the hospital a few days before our scheduled ultrasound, and they decided that they wanted to perform an ultrasound just to be sure that all was fine with the baby.  As the ultrasound tech guided the wand across my stomach, she asked us if we had found out what the baby's gender was and if not, did we want to know.  Well yes!  Of course we want to know.  She said, "Well, it is definitely a boy!".  I was in shock.  My husband had this cute little smile on his face.  I had to ask her if she was sure.  I mean, how could our previous tech get it so wrong?  She turned the ultrasound screen to us and sure enough it was a boy!  No doubt.  I turned to my husband and said, "But we don't have any boys names picked out!  I guess this means we will have to have another one after this one."  The dream felt so real to me.

So even though I was still feeling pretty sure that this ultrasound today would definitively confirm we were going to have a girl, that dream lingered in my mind...  How would I react if the tech told us today that we were having a boy instead? 

It seems as though that question will never be answered.  :)  Our Bean is a GIRL!  Or as the tech put it, "There is definitely nothing between the legs!".  Our Bean was bebopping as usual.  She was going to give the ultrasound tech the pictures she needed on her own time, not anyone else's. ;) But eventually our baby girl cooperated with every shot, measurement, and angle our tech needed from her.  We were told that our baby girl had one of the most beautiful four chamber hearts she had ever seen.  Our Bean looks perfect.  My husband and I are absolutely in love with her already...

The Doppler Diaries...

A few weeks ago I received my rented Doppler in the mail.  For a mere $17 a month, I can now allow myself daily reassurance of this baby's existence and vitality.  And just about every single day since I received my Doppler that is just what I have been doing- reassuring myself that the baby's heart is beating.  No joke, it has been a Godsend.  Without it, I am certain I would have already called my OB nurse by now desperately pleading for another ultrasound, for some reassurance.  The Doppler seems to be taming the total spaz that my OB's office has got used to hearing from on the other line. Usually on a weekly basis. 

At first using it was not easy...  There are a lot of noises going on down there!  Blood rushing here and there and those veins and arteries all have their own pulses.  Even your ovaries have their own pulse!  Is that me or is that baby??  Time to get the stopwatch out and count the pulse.  Nope.  Too low.  That is MY pulse.  *sigh*  (I could have rented one of the fancier ones that gives you a digital read-out of the bpm, but that one was about $40 a month!) 
Then I found it.  And it was distinct.  Much, much quicker than my own pulse.  But I checked it against the stopwatch just to be sure.  Yes, almost 150 bpm.  That is the BABY'S pulse. :)

Now I feel like a pro.  I know the baby's heartbeat as soon as I hear it.  No guessing, no stopwatch now.  Another bonus of the Doppler?  I know exactly where the Bean is now.  ;)  She migrated from my left side all the way over to my right side, and now she is resting snugly right in the middle.  She has really nudged herself back in there a bit now.  Sometimes I have to press down with the probe to hear the heartbeat.  Because of her new home within my womb, I don't feel as many flutters & bubbles now.  The Doppler has helped me maintain my sense of sanity and calmness during this time. 
But the biggest benefit of this Doppler I wasn't expecting when I clicked on the Complete Order button on the rental website.  This $17 a month, piece of rented equipment has allowed me to something extraordinary- a closer bond with this baby.  I had been struggling with allowing myself to deeply connect with Bean.  The fear of losing her...  It can make even the most dedicated mother build a wall that they don't really want built.  But hearing my baby's heartbeat every day, knowing exactly where Bean is bebopping every single day and being able to place my hand on my belly exactly where she is.... It has brought that wall gently tumbling down. 

Today is a Day to Celebrate...

Bean at 13 weeks- see the hand & tiny fingers up near her forehead? ;)

Today is a day to celebrate.  Today seems almost surreal to me.  Today I am officially in my second trimester.  Just six months ago I questioned whether this would ever really happen.  Whether I would ever make it past 7 weeks in a pregnancy again.   And here I am.  Today at 14 weeks by the grace of God and the love and support of my husband, my son, my parents, my family, & friends.  I have been blessed to feel baby flutters here and there, and in those moments I am more grateful than I can describe.  I feel more relaxed every day, bit by bit. I still have my moments of fear and worry.  But today I am 14 weeks pregnant and my Bean is growing inside of me.  Today I feel at peace.  Today I feel blessed.  :)



The Bebopping Bean

Bean- 10 weeks

Last Wednesday (after placing an urgent & anxious call to my nurse at my OB's office), my husband and I got to see the Bean again.  Why anxious?  Why urgent?  I believe it was mainly because we had entered the 10th week, another (and the last) trigger week for me.  In January 2010 when I was what we thought was 10 weeks pregnant, I found out my Peanut had never really made it past week 7.  I was told it was a missed miscarriage.  So, even though I wasn't experiencing any of what most people (and the medical community) would classify as miscarriage symptoms, that didn't mean much to me.  What is "normal" for most women hasn't been normal for me in a couple of years.  I can't trust the normal, obvious signs of pregnancy loss.  So, I had a minor freak-out.  I had not seen our baby in 3 weeks and how could I be sure that everything was fine?

So, the nurse scheduled us another date with wandy that afternoon...

The hardest moment of each ultrasound for me is those first few moments after the wand has been inserted and the ultrasound tech hasn't breathed a word yet.  I cannot stand more than a minute or two of silence, and have to ask rather anxiously, "How is the baby?"  (In my prior experience, silence during an ultrasound is a VERY bad sign.  I refuse to let the tech stay silent.)

And she turned the screen to us and pointed at that familiar flickering spot on the screen.  *Deep sigh of relief*  And then my husband and I marveled at what we were seeing.  We couldn't believe how much bigger Bean was in just 3 weeks!  And Bean looks like, well a baby!  Before Bean was kind of a shadowy white blur. 
Watching my husband's reaction to all of this is something I will always cherish.  This is his first child.  I have a son from a previous marriage, so all this isn't completely new to me.  But for my husband this is new, amazing ground. 

After taking all the necessary measurements (and the Bean measured in at just about exactly 10 weeks ;) ), it was time for the tech to capture the heart rate.  Bean decided that he didn't want to cooperate much initially.  Bean was bebopping!  We watched as he moved his hands back and forth and touched them together. (Our baby has hands, and fingers, and legs!!)  She tried 5 times before the little one finally stopped moving around just enough for her to finally catch that little heart rate- 164 beats per minute! 

As a mother to two beautiful babies that I haven't met yet and a sufferer of anxiety, this ultrasound has brought me peace of mind.  While I know I am never really out of the woods (and those fleeting thoughts that all of this still could come to an abrupt end still plague me now and again), I feel more confident, more hopeful.  I have found myself actually experiencing feelings of nostalgia now over my pregnancy with my son as this one progresses instead of constantly comparing it to my last 2 miscarriages.  That is definitely a step in a better direction for me.  More often than not, I now experience a symptom or notice the more pronounced rounding of my belly and it reminds of me of how I felt when I was carrying my son.  For that and for the health of this baby I am carrying now, I am grateful beyond words.

Restoring My Hope One Baby Step at a Time...

Bean- 7 weeks, 3 days

After a restless & somewhat worrisome day and a half, my husband and I got to see Bean again for a third time.  There was no emergency.  No miscarriage symptoms.  Just this looming bake it or break it deadline looming in the back of my mind.  The 7th week of pregnancy has not been good to me or my babies the last two times. 

They brought me back to the ultrasound room 20 minutes after my scheduled time.  On edge and anxious, the ultrasound tech inserted the wand and I took a deep breath, squeezing my husband's hand.  In just a few moments, we would know.  We would know if our baby had made it through my scary week.  Within a few seconds, I heard her speak magical words to us, "I see the heartbeat and boy, is it going!".  She turned the screen towards us and there in the middle of that hazy, white mass was a wildly flickering spot- our baby's heart beating.  I laughed, then I cried and then I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  She did a count on the baby's heart rate- an amazing 175 beats per minute!  Bean had went from a heart rate of 105 one week before to 175!  Wow....  She did all the necessary measurements and then gave us our first official due date- February 14, 2012. <3  Happy Valentine's Day to us... :)

My anxiety has greatly subsided since this ultrasound.  We had reached one incredible milestone- a baby with a strong heartbeat past 7 weeks.  Today we reached another- I have made it to 8 weeks of pregnancy.  I haven't made it to the 8th week in pregnancy since I was pregnant with my son 13 years ago.  Tomorrow we will hopefully reach another- making it to our first prenatal appointment with our OB/GYN.  My hope is returning, my faith in my body is being restored...  I know I am not completely out of the woods.  You never are until you are actually holding that tiny baby in your arms after 9 months of pregnancy, and hours of labor and pushing.  But I have hope.  My hope is looking at you in that picture above. 



And now I wait...

I finally heard from the nurse at my OB's office this morning.  (You know, after I had left 3 voicemails since last Friday with no call back until today?)  The nurse pulled up my ultrasound records as she talked to me.  While she was doing this, I expressed to her my feelings of anxiety concerning this particular week, Week 7.  I really need to have an ultrasound this week or next.  I need to see the heartbeat again and know that Bean is okay. 

She informed me that the baby's heart rate was 105 bpm at last week's ultrasound.  While she said that is normal for a baby of 6 weeks gestation (and I confirmed this through checking multiple credible sources online), they always order a second ultrasound within 7-10 days of the last one if the heart rate was not at least 120.  I was assured this was just standard procedure for my OB's office. 
At this point in the conversation, I was literally baffled.  Why has someone from their office not called me yet??  Today is 7 days since our last ultrasound!  When were they going to inform me of this mandatory second ultrasound anyhow??

She then preceded to tell me that she wants me to schedule an ultrasound for a follow-up viability tomorrow.  Okay, I even hate the sound of that... follow-up viability.  Blech. 

I am scheduled for this follow-up viability tomorrow afternoon at 3:00.  I feel like myself and this pregnancy are standing at the edge of our first major precipice.  I will have a better idea of the outcome of this pregnancy in almost 24 hours.  If the heart rate has gone up, I will be able to breathe and relax a little.  We would have made it through my scary week with a still growing and very much alive baby inside of me.  I hate to think of the other alternative... 

So, for now I sit and I wait.  And I try not to let the anxiety and worry make me crazy...

My Worldess Wednesday

My Wordless Wednesday

When a Postive Pregnancy Test Doesn't Always Mean Baby Right Away...

To most women who are trying to conceive, the home pregnancy test result above brings them feelings of joy, elation, confirmation that they can create life.  To those of us who have suffered a miscarriage (or in my case, multiple miscarriages), this result brings about a different feeling.  At first there is excitement and happiness- We are pregnant again and here is a new chance to start our family!  Then that feeling is promptly followed by anxiety and worry- Will this baby stick or have I set myself up for another round of heartache and grief?

After testing 3 (yes, 3) Big Fat Negatives just 5 days before, I tested "Pregnant" this past Sunday morning.  I was staying at my parents' house for the weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday and my cousin's baby shower, so my mom and my sister were the first to know.  (And yes, I woke them up by flashing my pee-laden & capped pregnancy test in front of their faces! ;) )  Then I promptly took a pic of the test result (the one you see above, in fact) and texted it to my husband.  My dad was the next to know, as I told him when we met him for lunch and I ordered a cheeseburger from our favorite hot dog joint.  Dad: "What did you order a cheeseburger for?"  Me: "Because it isn't recommended that pregnant ladies eat hot dogs. ;)"  His response was to call me a Fertile Myrtle and given that I have been pregnant now 3 times in the last 16 months, I guess that is kind of true.

I am obviously not staying as hush-hush about this pregnancy as I did the last.  I am also not going to be screaming it from the Facebook mountaintop anytime soon either.  But I figure that what I did when I was pregnant with Blueberry didn't do us much good last time.  Being superstitious (aka, not jinxing ourselves) and telling only a handful of people (which did not include my parents that time) didn't help.  We still lost our baby.

So, I am trying to approach this pregnancy with a new outlook and a new game plan.  People I love and care about will know.  I feel that I need the prayers and positive thoughts from each of these people to help me carry this pregnancy to full term.  How can anyone be rooting for our little Bean when no one knows that we are pregnant through the most treacherous part of the pregnancy for me??  The Bean and I need the love and strength that each and every one of you can provide.

Whether I allow myself to get excited or not, or I let my hopes get too high doesn't matter.  If I lose Bean, the pain will be the same for me.  I have to believe in the power of positive thinking and actions, and of prayer (and of a kick ass positive OB and the progesterone suppositories I will soon start ;) ) to get me through the next 8 weeks and then the next 8 months. 

I have to believe that this baby will stick.  As someone who has suffered major anxiety problems in the past, I have to keep my stress levels low.  (And yes, easier said than done to be sure!)  Mediatation, prayer, journaling, blogging and prenatal yoga will be my best friends through this pregnancy. 

I have to believe that Bean will be in my arms in 8 short months, because what is the alternative?