Frugal Foodie Mama: Crickets...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Crickets...

I am struggling... Struggling with what I am supposed to blog about or tweet about.  I have felt that a part of my online support system has fell silent since I announced my pregnancy, and have started to share some of the joys and lows of being pregnant again after losing two babies in a row.  Even when I have strived to support others and offer words of encouragement to those in the 2ww, and those suffering their own losses and setbacks...  Few replies, few responses.  Mostly just crickets. 

And I ask myself, why is that?

I understand the IF side of it.  I know the feelings of jealously and slight bitterness when one of us has made it to where we all wish that we could be.  And I also know the feeling of hope that would bestow in me at the same time.  Such conflicting emotions...

Those riding the roller coaster of IVF and IUI need the most support in their 2ww's.  But miscarriage survivors need the support during the actual pregnancy- namely whenever their scary weeks are, when they have lost their baby(ies) in the past.  This week is MY scary week.  I lost Blueberry 5 months ago during my 7th week of pregnancy.  I am 7 weeks pregnant now and hopeful and scared and anxious... Peanut stopped growing at 6-7 weeks in January 2010.  I feel like this is my trial under fire week.  If I can just get through THIS week with a baby inside of me with a heart still beating, I will breathe a giant sigh of relief.  At least for that moment, one very important milestone will be reached. 

My blog has fell silent until now...  Really because I had no idea what to blog about, or what wouldn't offend, or trigger someone else.  And I also felt that maybe no one would be interested in reading the pregnant girl's blog now...

I don't want to offend anyone with my pregnancy.  I don't want to appear to be smug.  I am so far from that.  Eventually I want to be able to fully celebrate this pregnancy without feeling as if others think that I am bragging.  I feel that I deserve to celebrate this baby now and in the future.  I have already endured flushing two of my babies away.  I can't even explain to anyone in any words what that is like.  Only those who have experienced it themselves can truly understand.  I hate every day that my babies left this world that way, and that there was very little I could do to help them or change that.  So, if Bean sticks (and I pray every single day that he/she does), I will post bump photos, and ultrasound pics, and make a tasteful announcement on Facebook.  And I fully realize that I may become unpopular with some for that, and may even lose some followers for it.  And I am okay with that.  I feel in my heart of hearts that women who have suffered pregnancy losses or IF hell and who have successfully become pregnant (and in some of our cases, stay pregnant) are the ones who deserve to celebrate this miracle more than anyone else.  I felt that before I became pregnant this time, and I still feel that way now.

13 comments :

  1. I don't think you should feel bad. I think it's the curse of us RPLers - that congrats! on the BFP is nothing. We can only be happy once we hit the second trimester (at least that's my guess, since I've never actually gotten there).
    This space should be a place for you to vent and share your feelings. If your readers don't like it, so be it. But I'm saddened that you haven't felt like you got the support you needed. You have it from me, if that counts for anything! Crossing my fingers for you that you get past this milestone safely.

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  2. Thank you so much, hun... Your support means so much to me.

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  3. You really shouldn't be bad at all. I am so very happy for you! I think most of us are, but we also know it's a hard time. I always go through that during pregnancy which is why I usually don't tell about pregnancies until 10 weeks. Not that it matters because I always end up telling while I am miscarrying.

    I am sorry that you feel abandoned. I know the feeling. Since I am quiet about my pregnancies people don't really acknowledge them. Feel free to blog about everything including your pregnancy ( the good and the bad)

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  4. I've not been online a lot these last couple of weeks between work and personal life... but I'm thinking of you! I cannot relate to what you are going through at this time... but I can imagine how terrifying every day (every hour) may be for you. I'm feeling confident that this little one is sticking with you for the long haul!

    Smack me on Twitter when you need some extra love!! I'll send it over and over!

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  5. Oh, ladies.... thank you so much. Reading your comments brought tears to me eyes. I know I am not abandoned. This is just such a hard week for me. I appreciate your love, understanding, and support more than you can know. XOXO

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  6. Girl, you should absolutely celebrate and say whatever you need/want to say! I, for one, am always happy to read some good news for a change--especially when we have individually been through so much.

    xoxo

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  7. I agree. You should celebrate this! You have gone through hell and back to get here. Every second of every day you should revel in it. And know you have my good thoughts during this high anxiety time. I truly hope things go well and starting next week the new and blissfully happy phase of your life continues! Please feel free to reach out on twitter if you ever need a cheerleader! Because I need the vision of someone like you who has made it to where we all want to be! :) @EndoJourney

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  8. Well, lovely lady, you should celebrate! You should celebrate as much as you can. I've been a little absent online lately, but thinking of you. Will do better about checking on you, and trying to offer support. Hugs as you go through this week, and prayers that you will make it to meet this little one!

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  9. We're all really happy and hopeful for you. And as scary as it is, we all know that and hope that you'll be happy and hopeful soon, too. It might be hard now, but these are the memories you'll want to look back on later, no matter what happens. So keep writing. Keep typing. Even if it doesn't make sense now. Even if the words don't come naturally. Just wait until that small still voice inside of you comes out to play.

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  10. Wow... thank you so much, all of you. :) I needed to feel this (love, support) right now. I am so humbled by your comments. Thank you.
    And @EndoJourney- I just started following you. Please send me a follow request back. :)

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  11. You SO deserve to post still and I'm reading along faithfully!!! Your baby means so much to me, if that is weird at all. I feel a closeness to you that I feel with few others, even friends locally. The scary weeks are the worst. You got me through mine-- I will do EVERYTHING that I can from afar to get you through yours. xo

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  12. Oh, Turtle... thank you so much for those words... I am in tears right now. Thank you.

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  13. Thank you for sharing this with me. It's pretty accurate to what I am feeling. I've talked with a few others on twitter that are pregnant after a loss that are concerned with the feelings of others. I understand if some of the people that are following me need a break from my excitement and fear during this pregnancy. I understand the need to not have it in your face right after a loss. I also know that some of my twitter friends are friends. They aren't going anywhere. They will be there for support for me.

    I think it's a little bit amazing how empathetic we are to each others' feelings around here. And that's where I think the wish to not offend others comes from. I also think that there are followers that are not unfollowing b/c they don't want to hurt us. I think we all just want everyone to get pregnant when they want to get pregnant and for there to be no losses. Without that, we are all just struggling through.

    My scariest week is almost over. 6w4d.

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