I Haven't Forfeited My Need for Support...

Recently I have dealt with a bold & somewhat brash lack of support for my pregnancy from a fellow miscarriage survivor.  This incident (which was in fact not my first negative experience with this particular person) led me to contemplate just who was now actually supporting me now that I am pregnant.  And a very 25 weeks pregnant, at that.  


In the online world of support, I found some interesting patterns.  There are those who have just gone mute since I announced my pregnancy.  Or my fears and concerns since becoming pregnant.  Or the joys of finally being what seems to be successfully pregnant.  No more comments, no more tweets.  Just silence.  Though at first I felt somewhat hurt by this, these are the people that I mostly get.  They had been there for me as I experienced the loss of Blueberry, the testing that came after, the decision to try to conceive again, and the agony that we aptly call the Two Week Wait.  But once I received my positive pregnancy test, many offered some words of excited congratulations, and that has been just about it since then.  And I do not fault them.  We were once together in the same place, and now we are not.  I understand the hurt, the anger (at their situation, not me), the disappointment.  And I realize that I can now serve to be a reminder of what hasn't happened for them yet, despite my losses.  I get that.  I have no ill feelings towards those individuals.  I still hold out hope that one day I will serve as a source of inspiration and hope for them, and not just a painful reminder.


There is also the group who hasn't faltered.  No matter where they are in their journeys to become mothers, they have supported me.  To these women, I am so grateful.  It takes incredible strength (that so many of us struggle to find on an ongoing basis) to support a pregnant woman when they are still grieving, still hurting, but still hoping.  


Then there is the group that I find I can most relate to now and they can most relate to me.  Those in my online support group that are currently pregnant, whether after a loss or losses or after struggles with infertility.  For the most part, we get each other.  We are struggling with the same fears and concerns, the surreal feelings that we actually have a little precious life growing inside of us.  We have not made it safely to home base yet, and we all know this.  We all know that we still need support, maybe more than ever.  Because now the stakes are so high.  We have something so, so precious that could be lost now just like that.  Most of us have experienced how cruel that kind of loss can be, and no matter how far along we get, how many ultrasounds we have had... that feeling of helplessness, of what seems like the randomness of Mother Nature never really goes away.  We are not in the "free and clear", and therefore do not forfeit our right to support just because we peed on a stick or got a positive Beta.  


But the most surprising development in my pregnancy after my two losses has been some rather brash and hurtful and mostly passive-aggressive comments from an online friend (whom I have met in person now).  Someone who has experienced early 1st trimester miscarriages.  Someone whom I was not expecting this reaction from.  We are not BFF's, but this was someone I was hoping to forge a closer friendship with since geography is not much of a factor as it so often is in the online world of support.  I won't get into too many of the details (most of you who follow my Twitter already know the specifics), but this has been the only times in this pregnancy when I have been made to feel guilty for being pregnant, when I have been publicly chastised for choosing to celebrate this instead of muting what has been a dream of mine for years.   Even after this most recent incident in which I was almost made to feel bad because she had lost her baby and I hadn't lost Bean, I tried to support her and offer her friendship.  My last attempt has appeared to fall on silent ears.  I have heard nothing back from her and it has almost been a week.  I understand her pain, her anger.  I completely get that.  But to direct that anger, that aggression towards a friend who has finally found herself pregnant after suffering her own grief and heartache?  To even hint that it isn't fair that that my baby is still alive and that I didn't lose her?  I do not get that.  

Crickets...

I am struggling... Struggling with what I am supposed to blog about or tweet about.  I have felt that a part of my online support system has fell silent since I announced my pregnancy, and have started to share some of the joys and lows of being pregnant again after losing two babies in a row.  Even when I have strived to support others and offer words of encouragement to those in the 2ww, and those suffering their own losses and setbacks...  Few replies, few responses.  Mostly just crickets. 

And I ask myself, why is that?

I understand the IF side of it.  I know the feelings of jealously and slight bitterness when one of us has made it to where we all wish that we could be.  And I also know the feeling of hope that would bestow in me at the same time.  Such conflicting emotions...

Those riding the roller coaster of IVF and IUI need the most support in their 2ww's.  But miscarriage survivors need the support during the actual pregnancy- namely whenever their scary weeks are, when they have lost their baby(ies) in the past.  This week is MY scary week.  I lost Blueberry 5 months ago during my 7th week of pregnancy.  I am 7 weeks pregnant now and hopeful and scared and anxious... Peanut stopped growing at 6-7 weeks in January 2010.  I feel like this is my trial under fire week.  If I can just get through THIS week with a baby inside of me with a heart still beating, I will breathe a giant sigh of relief.  At least for that moment, one very important milestone will be reached. 

My blog has fell silent until now...  Really because I had no idea what to blog about, or what wouldn't offend, or trigger someone else.  And I also felt that maybe no one would be interested in reading the pregnant girl's blog now...

I don't want to offend anyone with my pregnancy.  I don't want to appear to be smug.  I am so far from that.  Eventually I want to be able to fully celebrate this pregnancy without feeling as if others think that I am bragging.  I feel that I deserve to celebrate this baby now and in the future.  I have already endured flushing two of my babies away.  I can't even explain to anyone in any words what that is like.  Only those who have experienced it themselves can truly understand.  I hate every day that my babies left this world that way, and that there was very little I could do to help them or change that.  So, if Bean sticks (and I pray every single day that he/she does), I will post bump photos, and ultrasound pics, and make a tasteful announcement on Facebook.  And I fully realize that I may become unpopular with some for that, and may even lose some followers for it.  And I am okay with that.  I feel in my heart of hearts that women who have suffered pregnancy losses or IF hell and who have successfully become pregnant (and in some of our cases, stay pregnant) are the ones who deserve to celebrate this miracle more than anyone else.  I felt that before I became pregnant this time, and I still feel that way now.