Frugal Foodie Mama: ~On the Wings of an Angel~ Parker's Story

Friday, October 5, 2012

~On the Wings of an Angel~ Parker's Story

In my efforts to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on my blog throughout the month of October, I have invited some beautiful, courageous mothers to share their stories with my readers this month.  Today, I am honored to have Karen from patching hearts.  I believe that my meeting Karen was fate.  She actually won a group giveaway in which I was giving away an ad spot.  I fell in love with her and her blog the first day I clicked on over. <3
Thank you, Karen for sharing Parker's beautiful story with us today...

Thanks so much to Carrie for letting me tell my story today.  Our story began 5 years ago.  After trying to conceive unsuccessfully for about a year, we sought out help through a fertility clinic.  In January 2008 I found out I was pregnant.  Four weeks later, I learned that it was twins.  There are no words to describe our excitement.  I had secretly (or maybe not so secretly) always dreamed of having twins.  The Doctor described my babies that day as 2 diamond rings and I loved that analogy as they were (and still are) so precious to me.  They had strong heartbeats.  Other than the horrific morning sickness, I had a good pregnancy up until 30 weeks. 

At 30 weeks, I went into preterm labor and was put on bed rest.  I was okay with that.  I would have done anything to protect my babies.  I continued having weekly appointments with my OB and biweekly appointments with the high risk specialist.  At 35 weeks, 6 days, I was seen by my OB.  This was the turning point in my pregnancy.  I remember begging her to take the babies that day.  I was partially joking at the time, but didn’t realize what a pivotal moment that really was.  Of course, she said no.  Sometime between that morning and 2 days later (at 36 weeks, 1 day), I lost my son, Parker.
I can’t tell you when it happened.  For that, I will always feel tremendous guilt.  I mean, how could I not know?  It happened in my belly…on my watch!  My job was to protect my children and I failed.  That is how I saw it.  I still think back and wonder…when did it happen?  Did it hurt?  Did Mia know what was going on? 
This is what I do know…  Thursday morning, September 11, I went to see the high risk Doctor. The ultrasound tech was abnormally quiet.  I just thought she was having a bad day.  I didn’t really pay attention.  Finally, she said she needed to find the Doctor.  I asked what was wrong.  I was starting to panic at that point.  She said she could not find a heartbeat for baby B. 
Shortly after, I was sent across the street to Labor and Delivery where it was confirmed that we lost our son.  We lost Parker.  I was put in a room for a couple of hours with one pink monitor on my belly instead of 2 (a pink and a blue).  In some ways, that afternoon is a blur and in others, I remember it in slow motion.  Family came.  They tried to stay positive, trying to keep me from getting upset.  I called my Dad who insisted the Doctor was wrong and maybe Parker was okay.  It was surreal. 
At 5:44pm, I delivered the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  Mia Rosalie was born weighing 5 lbs and 15 oz and screaming.  It was music to my ears.

At 5:47pm, the room was silent as I delivered my 4 lbs, 14oz son, Parker Kennedy. 

My husband had gone with Mia and it was just me and the Doctor and nurses and NICU team.  The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck, arm, and leg twice.  It was a long thin cord, which sometimes happens with twin births.  My Doctor said she had never seen a baby so tangled.  I knew this had to be true as he was the most active baby I’ve ever felt (even since then).  He was constantly doing flips.  Now, you may wonder…if he was constantly moving, didn’t you wonder why he stopped?   The answer is no.  By the time I was 36 weeks along, they were so big I couldn’t tell who was who in there.  I wish I could say that I felt him not move.  I wish I could pinpoint when it happened, but I can’t. 
After losing Parker, we decided to try again.  I got pregnant on my own 6 months later and at 8 weeks (on my first Mother’s Day weekend no less), after hearing the strong normal heartbeat, we lost that baby as well. 
Three months later, we tried IVF again and I gave birth to a gorgeous 6 lb, 12 oz little boy, Paxton Christopher, who brings me so much joy every day.

While my story is a sad one…I am not the only one.  So many people experience infant and newborn loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage every day.  Let’s take this month to remember all of our babies. 
If you are looking for ways to help or ways to remember your baby, here are some ideas that we do:
·         Walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies
·         Donate toys to the hospital every year on Parker’s birthday
·         Adopt 2 children at Christmas for the 2 we lost
·         Plant a tree
·         Talk about them.  We are very open about our loss and I just love hearing his name and knowing that people remember him


14 comments :

  1. Karen, thank you for sharing your story today on Carrie's blog. I know it took a lot of courage to share so thank you. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I am so sorry that parker is gone. Beautiful pic of precious Mia though. I hope that one day you are able to talk to Mia about your beautiful brother that is waiting for you in heaven. also I think this issue needs to be talked about. Loss and grief are hard but they should not be hidden. For me it is healing to talk about these things. again, thank you so much for sharing. Blessings!

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  2. Thank you Carrie for letting me share my story and to Jessica for reading and commenting! We talk about Parker often in our home and we tell Mia all the time that she has a special angel watching over her.
    Thanks again!

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    1. Karen, thank you for coming over here to share your story with my readers. You are one courageous, loving mama. <3

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  3. Thank you Karen for sharing your story, and thank you Carrie for bringing attention to Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. We lost our son in 2010 at 21 weeks, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. We have a beautiful baby girl at home with us now, and I love that her big brother will always be there to look out for her, just like Parker is looking out for Mia.

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    1. Audra, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. <3 Sending you so much love...

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  4. This is much saddness to the loss of children but there is also much joy in the children that you do have. I think describing to Mia the loss of her brother as angel is just the most beautiful sentiment.

    God bless you all and thank you Carrie for sharing this with us.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story, Karen. I don't have any children but I imagine that it is one of the hardest thing to go through to lose a child. Continue to stay strong. Beautiful pics of Mia and Paxton.

    Julie

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  6. Karen, thank you so much for sharing your story here on my blog today. I keep staring at Parker's little feet. They are so beautiful and absolutely perfect. Your angel... <3
    I appreciate you sharing my space with me today more than you can ever know.

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  7. Thank you Karen for sharing your story. It is the courage of women like you who helps others come forward and speak about their losses too. We lost 3 babies in 3 years, and it wasn't until our second loss that my Grandmother came out and talked for the first time about the baby that she had lost. No-one knew about her loss until it happened to me and I started talking about it. I gave her the strength to talk, and you are doing the same. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  8. I am sitting here in tears as I read this. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  9. I cried while reading this. I too blamed myself for awhile after I lost my first child. I came to realize that it was out of my hands and it still hurts to this day (6 years later). I appreciate you sharing your story so much. It takes so much strength just to talk about this. Thank you.

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  10. Oh, I ache for you. Look at those precious tiny feet. I am so sorry you have had to endure such heartache. I have lost six babies and it is the worst thing I can imagine. Mamas shouldn't lose their babies. Your sweet babes are in heaven, as are mine, and that is my only comfort. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Your boy is touching hearts even today!

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  11. My heart aches for you I know exactly how you feel

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  12. I can't say I know how you feel, but thank you for sharing your loss with us, and I'm sure all the miracles you've lost are in a special place.

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